Platinum Rump
by Bondomu
Summary: When Taco Bell Night doesn't happen, Dave figures a fine punishment for John was to sign him up as a subscriber to his Bro's puppet porn site. Little does Dave know that John and Dirk end up as texting buddies. Little do John and Dirk know that Dave is the link between them. [Dirk/John or Bro/John, however you picture it. Longer description at beginning of the fic]
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys it's your local nerd back for the first time in ages, bringing you snazzy content of the stucked homes variety. Actually wrote this like two days after 4/13 because I was out having a grand old time in the city with some other nerds on actual 4/13. Dragged Nepeta out of the closet. It was all G. Had a reunion with some old buddies too. Was good. Reread some old BroJohn fics I used to be obsessed with. **

**So here we are. So basically, TExting Au (Take note this is BroJohn, not JohnDave, we just have a lot of Dave here because why the fuck not, he deserves the world damnit and I want to give him a nice life. Yes, DaveKat will happen somewhat here) , with John and Dave as And They Were Roommates but Dave is going off to finish his degree in Art, leaving John on his own in their cruddy shit apartment in Oregon. John finished his degree the previous year but wanted to work in Oregon casually so Dave didn't get Lonely and also so they could split rent. Dave stays on campus for 4 days of the week because 4/5 of his days are early starters and he hates travelling early in the morning. The rest he spends at the Shit Apartment. Just so yall know a bit of background here. Anyway- Dave pranks John by signing his # up to his Bro's puppet porn site, platinum edition. Problem is, Bro had given Dave the ability to give anyone any subscription for free in the case of him meeting a fellow puppeteer, Obviously Dave thinks this is gr8 news for pranks. Now problem is, Platinum, had Dave realized how much it actually costs to buy, would have seen that it has exactly 0 buyers on bro's site. Due to it's outrageous costs. So of course, Bro thinking John is his first subscriber to platinum edition, messages him. Anhywayjayyayayay read the fic enough talky from this bitch.**

**Start**

"Dude let's go, we're going to be late!" Dave yells, banging on the bathroom door, "How long does it take one single person to piss? Are you fucking playing Love Nikki again? Get off your phone, Egbert."

"Stop hitting the door! The shitty hinges aren't going to hold much more of that." John huffs, praying that Dave doesn't break the door, the landlord would not be pleased. "And I'm not playing Love Nikki." He says, turning the LN app off.

"I've seen what level you are before, 'casual Love Nikki player' is not what you can tell me you are. You play that game like you and your friends, their friends, and everyone's hamsters will die if you dont complete the daily shit or complete a suit." Dave says, giving the door a final hard shove, hearing it creak and shudder, the sound of a snap of metal and the door is suddenly falling forwards, toward Dave. "Ah fuck."

"Dave you dumb shit, Cronus is going to kill you!" John squawks, rushing to zip his fly back up. He washes his hands fast and walks over to Dave, who's trying to gently place the door on the floor. "I told you not to hit the door. I tell you every single time you do it, to NOT do it. Now look at this mess."

"Shouldn't have been playing LN, dude." Dave mutters, "Wouldn't have had to murder the door. Now we're both late AND the door is broken."

"We were only going to Taco Bell, it's not like we had a reservation at some expensive rich people restaurant." John scowls.

"How dare you disrespect Taco Bell. Only the finest of gentlemen and gentleladies and other Fine Human People eat at Taco Bell. Lovingly crafted laxative food, molded by the hands of underpaid teenagers who deserve a raise and some love."Dave replies, arms crossed, "Also our Dinner Out time ended 5 minutes ago so now we gotta wait for another day. Asshole."

"We still have two hours until Taco Bell closes, why can't we just go anyway for once?" John mumbles.

"Because I need my rem sleep, assbaka." Dave snorts, "These fine hands cant lovingly sculpt the fine wrinkles of Cage's ass on their paper if I don't get any sleep."

"Urgh, shut up. Fine, we won't go." John says, glowering at Dave, "Not only we do not go to Taco Bell, you broke the damn door."

"It's your fault, you tried to take a 25 minute piss to play LN and made us miss Taco Bell Night." Dave says, then he glances at the broken door, "And you made me break the door. You're going to pay dearly for this Egbert, mark my words."

"Yeah whatever. I'm ordering a pizza instead." John says, pulling his phone from his pocket.

"Margarita with Anchovies please." Dave replies, giving the door a sad kick and moving into the living room, throwing himself on the couch. "Ask them if the sauce can be changed to mayo."

"Dave." John sighs, "I am one day going to throttle you so hard you'll regret ever being born."

"Jokes on you I regret that every day." Dave says.

"Dude." John mumbles, "Fine I'll order your fucking pizza."

"Good boy." Dave says. "But don't think buying me a pizza is going to be a good apology for Taco Bell's dismissal."

'Whatever." John says, and orders them some pizza.

After the ravenous consumption of pizza, and Dave's retching the pizza back up again, mumbling about how he managed to survive all these years, Dave pisses off to his bedroom and slams the door. John is left on cleanup duty, as per usual. Wondering o himself, why the ever loving fuck are Striders just Like That? He saw Dave's old place with his Bro once, just once, and it was a fucking mess. It was like walking into a badly designed indie horror game room where the creator thinks they made it Weird and Edgy but it's really just Weird and Really Weird. How the Strider family survived at all was still a mystery to John. The income he knew about, but the living itself... how? Does Dave even actually have a brother at all? Or is it a persona he made up so that no one knew he was the one with the actual puppet thing going on. Probably, but that's a mystery for another day.

It was about 10 minutes into tidying up the kitchen when John's phone buzzes. Hoisting himself up onto the kitchen bench, John whips out his phone and sees that it's a message from an unknown number. He reads through the first message about 7 times, and in that time others came pouring in.

**[Unknown + MEmyselfandI]**

**[Unknown]: **Hey dude, what a lad you must be huh. Pretty expensive thing for you do. Don't get me wrong I am absolutely thrilled, but I have to tell you that Platinum is just a joke, I made it fully expecting no one to actually get it. I think I'm having trouble with your money though, it hasn't come through yet but my list here says you just bought Platinum.

**[Unknown]: **Look, I'm not asking you to resend the money, could just be some Lag on my part, or your part, who knows. I'm just wondering why you purchased it. It's such a bullshit deal. Hell, maybe you're loaded and just wanted to look rich and cool in my livestreams with your Platinum badge and all, but seriously. Why?

**[Unkown]: **? Hello ? ? Richie Rich?

**[Unknown]: **Maybe I shouldn't call you Richie Rich, pretty sure he was a kid and Humans of the Child Variety should not at all be anywhere near me. Not safe.

**[Unknown]: **FUCK, that sounded worse. Dude, Ma'am, Human Person, I swear on all that's Ass that I am not a pedo. Simply a frazzled man who used poor word choice.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **um do I know you? What's this about some kind of Platinum thing?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Only thing I've ever bought is a subscription to is Netflix and about 400 bucks worth of deals on Love Nikki every fucking week, which I count as a subscription because that's what it feels like trying to keep up with that game.

**[Unknown]: **You play Love Nikki? LAME

**[Unknown]: **What V are you?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **v13

**[Unknown]: **Holy shit that's way higher than me. I'm v7.

**[Unknown]: **Wait. You've been spending 400 a week on Love Nikki, and you're v13. So you have been playing what? For like a month and a half? 2 or Three, then? Fucking hell. You crashed hard for this game.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **How do you know how long I've been playing?

**[Unknown]: **I know I don't mention this on my streams but to get to v15 it costs over $5000 US. Or if you're an Aussie, it it's over $7000, apparently. Because fuck exchange rates. Though you can lower the price you pay if you sit on your ass and check the game for deals all the time.

**[Unknown]: **Speaking of streams, what did you mean before, not knowing what Platinum was? You signed up with your # # buddy. Literally minutes ago.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **I have no idea what you're talking about. Minutes ago I was cleaning the kitchen because my roommate is a disorderly wretch who if he were not my best I'd have probably killed by now.

**[Unknown]: **Well your roommate sounds like a dick, maybe he signed you up? Probably retracted the money so you don't actually get Platinum, but it confuses my system for a few hours.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **You're probably right, I'll ask him.

John yells out to Dave, "Hey asshole did you sign me up for some thing called Platinum?"

"Yep! Consider that your punishment." Dave yells back, his voice sounds a little off. Either he's sleepy or jerking it. John makes a note to not walk in on him again.

**[Unknown + MEmyselfandI]**

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Yeah it was my shithead roommate. Sorry for any confusion he caused. So what do you do? Are you a Youtuber or something?

**[Unknown]: **Something like that I guess. So you didn't buy the sub? That's fine. I admit I was a little shocked when I thought someone did. It's supposed to be a gag.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **How much is Platinum supposed to cost? You got me all curious now!

**[Unknown]: **100'000 US beautiful, bastard dollars.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Jesus fucking christ.

**[Unknown]: **Yeah. That's why I was shocked, because in the details of the subscription package I put 'You will recieve x1 Platnium Online Badge and That's It Buddy'. A literal gag. No one was supposed to buy it.

**[Unknown]: **Of course if someone had actually done so, like I thought before, other than panicking I would have probably invited you out to come do a livestream with me.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Huh. Sounds fun tbh but maybe not up my alley. Anyway, do you do anything other than livestream?

**[Unknown]: **I draw a lot. My sort of kid is an artist. Don't tell him but I actually think his art is great though I'll never live it down if he finds out I think that.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **I cant tell him because I don't know him. So you're a dad? Kids are tough! Does his mother help out with your livestreams or?

**[Unknown]: **..

**[Unknown]: **Wow you were not kidding when you didn't even know what I do.

**[Unknown]: **Nah buddy, I'm as gay as they come. No waifu here.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Oh sorry, Your husband then?

**[Unknown]: **Single as the last pringle in the pringles tin.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Dang I'm not good at talking huh

**[Unknown]: **You're doing fine, SpeedyWeiner.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Excuse me?

**[Unknown]: **That's what your roommate signed you up as on my site.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **What a shithead. Thank God he's leaving tomorrow to stay at campus for the next few days. Finally going to have the house to myself. No more bugging me about Love Nikki or hogging the TV. Though I have work too so that sucks but meh.

**[Unknown]: **Man you guys are just kids? The fuck is your roommate doing watching my shit enough to sign you up?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **We're not kids, it's college not High School. I'm 22.

**[Unknown]: **A baby. A literal baby. Same age as my sort of son.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **I'm not a baby! Why do you say your son is sort of your son? Adopted?

**[Unknown]: **Long story. Some explosions. A horse. Shit went down and then there was a kid.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **U M ok.

**[Unknown]: **Hey listen, I gotta set up for my Midnight Livestream so I'm gonna have to stop talking right now, but hey, you're neat to chat to so I don't mind being texting buddies or whatever. My name is Dirk.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **I'd like being friends with you Dirk. My name is John. Good luck with your livestream!

**[Unknown]: **Thanks buddy.

**[Unknown changed to Mr Livestreamer]**

**End**

**So that's it for the first chapter, I have decided I don't wish to make long chapters for this fic because at the moment I don't have the time, but hey. Hopefully they're enjoyable anyway. Updates won't be consistent but I'm hoping to get them up at least 1-2 times a month. Unlike my Bleach fic which, btw, I am so sorry about! I'm still working on it, I promise it's just... since my laptop died I couldn't find the willpower to rewrite 7k + for one chap. I'm doing it though, I'm making this happen. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Second chapter, as promised. I have no idea the direction I'm taking this in anymore. I'm just going with the flow at this point. "B-b-b-b-b-ut Misha it's only chapter 2!" the crowd yells, I take off my green tinted glass and show them the sleep deprived face of someone doing a full time course and just barely getting by. "Ah." They say, like the Peanut Butter Baby. I pass away. **

**Start**

Handing Dave his small suitcase covered in dumb looking stickers, John says, "Hey good luck Dave, draw those titties, cover yourself in paint, be that artsy kind of guy."

"John Egbert you astound me." Dave shakes his head, "Only tits I'm drawing is Cage's luscious old man boobs which he for sure has now. That's your birthday present, by the way. No need to bless the ground I walk on, I know how much you love me but your gross love for Cage outweighs your friendship meter. The things I do for you."

"I don't consider Cage to be better than you, dude, you're my best friend." John replies.

"Woah turn the gay down there, it's getting spicy on this campus." Dave says.

"I'm not gay Dave. I mean it in a friendly way." John retaliates, "Besides, not like you can tell anyone to turn down the gay."

"I am riddled with gay like an 8th grade school slut is with STD's." Dave says, throwing up a peace sign and dragging his luggage through the campus gates, "Anyway, I'll see you on Friday. Thanks for lift, Egbert."

John waves him off and drives away, deciding to make a breakfast stop to McDonald's. As he's pulling into the drive through his message tone goes off and he glances down to the seat beside him to see it's from his new buddy Dirk. John grins, and the lady on the speaker asks for his order.

John finally gets to answer Dirk a few minutes later, once he's been given his food and parked.

**[Mr Livestreamer + MEmyselfandI]**

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Hey John guess what?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **What?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Your payment came through for Platinum.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **You're fucking with me, I don't have that kind of money.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **You're right, I'm fucking with you. I do not even know why I considered that to be a good prank. Maybe it's the alcohol.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Actually maybe it's the weed.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Uhhhhhhhh that's not a good combo. Are you ok?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Dude I'm fine. I can handle it.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Alright if you say so. So you like pranks?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Depends. I like ironic pranks.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Ugh, you sound like my roommate. You two would probably get along.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Oh really? What's your roommate's name and #?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Pfft, like I'm going to give a random stranger information like that.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Are we not best friends already? I thought what we had was special.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **This is our second conversation. The AlcoWeed is talking for you.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **I'm hurt John :(

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Also I'm fucking with you again. I'm not on anything at the moment.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Oh. Ok. Lol

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Did you just lol at me? Like some 2009 emo kid? Are you going to give me a lil' Rawr XD as well?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Hey those days are over! Not that I ever did that anyway. TBH I spent most of my time watching movies.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **What movie is your favorite?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Fucking GHOSTBUSTERS, man! It's so good. Have you seen it? I used to love Con Air but as I got older I kind of grew away from it. Not that it stops my roommate from relentlessly teasing me about Nic Cage.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Have I seen Ghostbusters? Dude, at this point is there anyone left on this Earth that has not seen it? Wasn't my favorite, but I watched it. Did you have some sort of crush on the Cage?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **No I'm straight.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Are you sure about that?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Why wouldn't I be?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Maybe once you see my hot bod it might change that ;)

**[MEmyselfandI]: **I doubt that. I have many girl crushes. Literally like so many girls. Boobs are life, you know.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Hm no I don't know. But hey maybe you're bi. Or whatever. Anyway, I'm just messing with you. Be that straight guy. Live your titty filled dreams.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **I will. Also I doubt you actually have a hot bod. You're a livestreamer aren't you? Or something like that. What do you stream? Games?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **I only sometimes livestream. Besides, it's not games. I'm more active than that. Meaning I do have a smoking hot living carcass.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Ok

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **I'll prove it to you.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **There's no need to do that. I'll take your word for it.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Nah man, I'm going for it. Get ready for it to get steamy in this chat.

**[MEmyselfandI]: **Please no.

**[Mr Livestreamer sent a picture **__**]**

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Here I am ;)

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Bet this makes you as gay as my not-son.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Bet you're too shocked for words, huh. I'm just so abnormally gorgeous that your brain is currently malfunctioning. Your Straight gaydar is dinging it's little heart out and the arrow keeps spinning in circles because it doesn't know which way to turn. Its host is now on the radar and it cannot compute.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **The angels are singing, the heavens have opened and there is the Lord himself, holding up a sign that reads 'John you're gay as balls dude'. You must come to accept this, as the Lord himself (me) has spoken.

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **John?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Johnathan?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Johnny boy?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **John Connor? Are you there?

**[Mr Livestreamer]: **Are you ok?

**[MEmyselfandI]: **I'm fine. I'm ok. I'm good, great. It's all fine over here at Casa de College McDonald's Parking Lot. Hold up, my order is almost ready I'm going to go in and get it brb.

John shuts his phone off and throws it to the back of the car, leaning his head down on the steering wheel and letting the horn blast until the lady in the car next to him asks if he's alright and if so can he please stop that.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, the only words John can think of to explain his mental stability at the moment. They were just joking around! Dirk wasn't supposed to look... like that. He looked... like ... John didn't even know what. He just LOOKED. Dirk sent that message and John opened it like a fool, expecting some grubby old man. When he saw Dirk it threw him a lot. Dirk didn't lie at all when he said he had a hot bod. His body is what they would put on magazines to coax other people into doing some way too expensive fitness routine that some celebrity just told everyone about. His body was what pubescent teens have as a goal, but they never quite get there, and John? He's currently going through a huge range of emotions, and boy is he glad that Dave isn't here to see this! 'You gay, Egbert? Finally. Now we can all be one big gay family together', John can just hear it all now.

He flings himself into the back of his car to retrieve the phone. He has to make sure, has to double check that his eyes are not deceiving him. He opens up the photo again.

Nope. That man is hot and John is having a crisis. He saves the image onto his phone, and sets a new password as well just in case Dave comes snooping and figures out John is having an episode of The Hots and Maybe A Little Gay on some weird guy he's never met. He silently swears to never tell Dave about this.

John opens up his messages again.

**[Mr Livestreamer + MEmyselfandI]**

**[Name Changed To Oh No He's Hot]**

**[Name Changed to MidlifeCrisisAt22]**

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Maybe you're right.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **I think maybe there is a minuscule chance I might be bi.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **And I am guessing that I'm the reason for this revelation?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Yeah. Maybe so.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Sweet.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **I mean, you're probably going through some shit now because of it and sorry about that, I didn't think I'd actually be hot enough to do that. Who am I kidding yes I did, but still. Sweet.

[Oh No He's Hot]: Sorry about it. But also whoo fuck yeah, I changed someone's sexuality with just my dazzling good looks and childish charm.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Urgh Shut up let me have a crisis in peace.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Actually keep talking, it's distracting me from the internal bantering I'm listening to in my head about my roommate finding out I might not be as straight as I always told him I was.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **How are you going to hide it from him?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **I've changed my password. Hope it's enough.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Who knows. Anyway, since you seemed to like my hot bod enough, want another pic ;)

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **...

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **If you don't mind.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **I mean, I'd send you one of myself but I'm really nothing special.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **You can send me one, I wont judge.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22 sent a picture **__**]**

**[Oh No He's Hot sent a picture **__**]**

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Yep. My eyes did not deceive me. You still look hot.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Dude

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **What the fuck did you mean you're 'nothing special'.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **If I didn't already know that I'm flaming Homosexual, I'd thinking 'wow. Am I into dick? Like ... PENIS dick? This man is too Hot for Me'. But I'm already gay so now I'm here thinking holy shit man, hottest piece of ass I've ever seen and I can't even see your ass.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Fucking Magical.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Urgh, I'm all blushy now. And in the middle of a McDonald's carpark. Imagine me coming out to my friends and family and them asking me 'so John when did you realize you liked Humans of the Male Variety?'

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **And I have to say 'well Dad you see I was parked at McDonald's and this Internet Man sent a sexy pic and I got Hot and Bothered'

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **I make your wee wee stand up huh. Good to know.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Well no,not yet but it's better than saying that I rolled around the car a bit, put my head on the horn and squealed until the lady in the car next to me asked if I was ok.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Also don't say wee wee it doesn't ... idk. It doesn't sound right? Even if I can't hear you say it.

**[Oh No He's Hot sent a recorded message]**

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **See now that's even worse because I just listened to you say wee wee but it makes me mad because your voice is hot too but your words? Absolutely not.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **How do you know it was wee wee, maybe I was being all French and getting my Oui Oui on.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Maybe so, but I somehow doubt it.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **hang on a moemnt

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Ok gottago ileftthe candleliottoo clsoe to my shit and now my crapet isnopnefire bye

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **? Are you ok?

John puts his phone in the glovebox of the car, deciding that Dirk seems as if he's going to be a while seeing as he just lit his carpet on fire somehow. He starts up the engine and makes his way back to the apartment, figuring out along the way how he and Dave are going to break the news to their landlord Cronus about the broken door.

**End**

**It seems a little rushed, I know, but like I said. This is going to be short and quick. There will be some time skips, but only small ones. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey look I'm actually getting through this fic. Shocking. **

**Start**

It had been four days since John's revelation that he might be bi, and Dave was set to come back at any minute now. John was slightly panicking about whether or not he should confess to Dave about his whole conflicted feelings over his sexuality or if he should just not tell Dave at all until he was completely sure of himself. Just then his phone pings with a message from Dirk.

**[Oh No He's Hot + MidlifeCrisisAt22]**

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Hey dude I have this sick new idea for a rap song, wan't to hear about it?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Gosh I want to but I'm a little panicky atm! My roommate will be back today, any minute now actually, and I haven't told him I might be bi.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Are you planning on telling him? If not, he's going to notice something's up if you're all jittery and shit.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **That's why I'm all nervous! I don't know if I'm ready to bring it up to him or not, but if I don't he might get worried about me being sick or something.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Maybe you should wait a bit before you bring it up, whether he handles it well or not isn't the issue here, it sounds to me like you're not actually ready to tell him and you're just forcing yourself to be OK with telling him.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Did you want to hear my rap? Maybe it will help you calm down. Ring me.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Maybe. Yeah.

Hearing Dirk rap to you one of the strangest songs that has ever graced your ears really did strangely help you to calm down a bit, and thankfully just in time for Dave to come barreling through the door at high speed, flinging himself down onto the one clear space on the couch and letting out the biggest sigh of relief.

"Man this week was wild as shit." He says, "So much shit happened."

"What's up?" John says, turning to face Dave.

"New kid in class today and at first I was all 'man this guys such a shithead' and then he came up to me and said my sketch of a dick on my work was probably to scale, and this was after I'd just called him an angry pygmy so it's all fair, but like. Dude my heart went doki doki like some dumb anime girl and I dunno if it's too early to tell but I might be in love." Dave sighs, "So I asked him out."

"You... asked out the guy you just called an angry pygmy?" John looks shocked, "Did he punch you? Do I have to take you to the hospital?"

"Well actually as soon as I asked him out his whole demeanor changed and suddenly it's 'oh uh u m ok Dave' then he ran from the room in the middle of class. Dunno how but even though I didn't see him again, I found his number shoved in bag." Dave grins, "Fucking tsundere if I've ever met one."

"He said yes? Holy shit dude congrats. You got yourself a boyfriend." John grins, giving Dave a playful whack on the shoulder. "What's his name?"

"Karkat." Dave says, "Weird name but hey whatever."

"Yeah that is a little strange." John replies, "Hey, what did you want for dinner tonight? I'm thinking we should order something."

"I don't know about you but I have a mad craving for garlic bread. Let's get pizza again, but instead I'll have like 3 sticks of garlic bread and no pizza." Dave says.

"Sounds good!" John says, pulling out his phone ordering their food.

Dave and John are the middle of watching a movie when John feels his phone vibrate with a message.

**[Oh No He's Hot + MidlifeCrisisAt22]**

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **How'd the whole thing with your roommate go? Did you crack and tell him?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Nope! Went surprisingly well. He asked out someone today and they said yes. So he was telling me all about it and now we're watching a movie.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **What movie?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **I have no idea, I think it's in Spanish. I don't think either of us know what's going on, because he won't let me put subtitles on.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **God what a loser. Thinking he's all cool for not understanding jack shit. How far into the movie are you both?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Like an hour and a half.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Great. Now I feel proud of him for keeping that gimmick up. Like the real son I never had. My not kid wouldn't sit through a whole ass movie like that. Just always complain like 'can we watch something else?' or 'do we have to watch this for the fourth time today?' . Pitiful.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Sounds torturous.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **I do it because my family has to toughen up. Though if we were watching a movie I probably wouldn't torture you like that. You're too innocent.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Aww thanks ,,, but I'm not really that innocent. I was in college up until last year and now I'm working at a bar thankfully right next to my shit apartment. You see the kind of shit a bartender has to put up with around here? Ungodly.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Aw shit, I feel for you there dude. I used to work at a bar once too, though I was more the entertainment than the beverage server.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **What, like a stripper?

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **You know me so well. We might as well be married at this point.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **LOL nah it was just that with your bod, you could probably easily make a living out of being all raunchy and stuff.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Raunchy. y. Snazzy word for a youngling.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Please, I am an elder now. Uwu

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Don't you UWU me you little shit. I'm closer to being an elder now than you anyway.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **How old are you anyway?

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Like 35.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Ok at most 38.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Ok, all jokes aside I'm 39. An elder.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Well you're... older than I expected but that's not really that old dude.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Glad to hear someone still thinks I have life in these old bones yet. My wrinkly fingers creak as I type this. The warts on my ass might be cancerous, the doctor says I wont have to worry about how long they'll take to kill me because I'm so old that I'll pass away before it spreads.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Aw man don't talk like that, it's depressing :( You're not old and I certainly hope you aren't dying.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **You're not dying, are you? Is this your weird way of telling me you're going to kick the bucket?

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **John I swear I'm not dying.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Thank god for that. Cant have the dude who made me realize I might be bi just suddenly die on me like that.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Can't have that happen. Guess I'll have to physically fight the Grim Reaper behind a closed Arby's. 'Sorry Mr. Grim sir, I cannot be allowed to leave this mortal plane of existence as this one guy who got pranked my his roomie saw my heavenly chiseled body and got his wee wee all standing up for me' .

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Mr Grim Reaper will be all 'Oh man, can't be having that on my watch. Take that youngling into your toned arms and bequeath upon him the finest of beats that you have handed down through generations of your family (i.e- 1 member).'

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **And with that, Mr Reaper himself allows me to continue living because a fresh out of college kid has the hots for me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, you are a consenting adult and can do as you please.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **As am I.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Hint hint. But anyway, I'm not dying on you buddy.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Not to be flirty on main or anything but I'd pay you to fight someone so I could watch because I'm 100% sure you would win any battle thrown your way.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Oh man my doki doki meter just went up. A fat little cupid just shot an arrow through my dark 2009 scene girl heart. Except this cupid only had a bit of pudge and fucking adorable dorky glasses.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Oh? Seems as if you have the hots me good sir.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **As you have for me.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Yeah ..

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Hmm. .

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Would you .

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Did you maybe want to go out with me? I mean I understand if you want to say no, especially since we haven't met, don't really know each other all that well and I haven't even told you what I do for a living because I can't keep saying 'not just livestreaming'. If you don't feel comfortable with me asking I don't mind if we stay as friends or whatever. Buddie 'o Pals.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **John?

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **God, I'm sorry. It was so quick and I should have though about it more before asking.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Oh Um! Actually I didn't see your message because my roommate tried to take my phone from me but I locked it in time so he didn't see anything. But uh. Yeah.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Yeah I um. Ok then.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Ok to you asking me out. I mean. My answer.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **It's a yeah.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Oh my god. Cool.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **That sounded lame. 'omg cool'. What am I, a teenager?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **So um, did you want to meet up some day or? Actually, where... are you? We might not be anywhere near each other.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **I'm in Texas. Where are you?

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Oh. I'm in Oregon, but it's not permanent. Once my friend finishes up his course, we'll be heading back to his place for the summer while we look for a new place to rent out. Though, who knows how it will go. He might end up staying here and I'll have to go back alone now that he got himself a boyfriend and all. Funny enough if we do go back to his place he actually lives in Texas too! So we probably can see each other fairly easier than we thought.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Oregon huh. That's where my not son is at the moment. Maybe I could come down and see you, crash with him for a bit.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Wont that affect your work?

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **I'm self employed, obviously. But no, it shouldn't. I'm sure he'd be a dear and let his old not old man set up his gear and shit and get some of that sweet cash flowing in the crisp Oregon air.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Hmm, actually maybe not. Pretty sure he has a roommate who might not appreciate it. Oh well. Life's tough and sometimes your not kid's friend isn't into the weird stuff.

**[Oh No He's Hot]: **Fuck it. I'm coming down. I'm just going to send him a text saying 'make room in your lovenest, daddy is coming to town 3' . He'll tell me to fuck off but he wont deny me a visit.

**[MidlifeCrisisAt22]: **Cool, I can't wait to see you dude!

**[Oh No He's Hot]**: ;)

**[Name Changed to Dirk3]**

**[Name Changed to DefinitelyBi]**

It wasn't until Dave let out a loud groan and mumbles, "My stupid bro said he's coming down to see me." and he shoves the message in front John's face so he could read the words, '_Make Room In your Lovenest, daddy is coming to town 3_', that the penny drops.

"Oh shit."

**End**

**Wow this is going quicker than I thought, but I like writing this. Though the only thing giving me anxiety about it that I'm pretty sure I've made Dirk too much like how I would write Dave, but I've been forgiving myself because I'm all 'If this was real life, then they'd be kinda similar anyway' But hey whatever. I'm enjoying writing for this, and I wanted it to be done by 4/13 but I didn't even start it then so there goes that idea. But hey 10 years of Homestuck is pretty snazzy. I ran into a Dave cosplayer when I was in the city and it made life a little better. Prepare of awkward situations next chapter.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Whoo boy I am truly speeding my way through this fic. 1-2 updates a month is thrown out the window, I am on a roll and it i d. **

**BTW this is a continuation of the last chapter, so it's right after John says "Oh Shit".**

**Start**

"Oh Shit is right dude!" Dave whines, "Why does he feel he needs to come down? I'm not a child and even if I was he still wouldn't care enough to visit."

"Your brother." John mutters, "He's your brother. Your not dad. You're his not son."

"Egbert what the fuck are you mumbling about?" Dave says, "You look more horrified than I do and I'm the one who needs to panic here."

"You signed me up to the puppet porn site! That's what it was!" John sounds horrified, "Oh my God! I should have looked at what you did instead of pass it off as nothing!"

"Wait. You're worried about the puppet porn?" Dave scoffs, "What? Going to get your panties in a twist if Bro asks you about your subscription? Don't worry dude, I didn't use your real name, I'm not that much of an ass."

"That's not it. But I guess it doesn't matter really." John tries to shrug nonchalantly. "Guess I'm just nervous about meeting your Bro for the first time."

"You've never met him?" Dave questions.

"No? I'd never even seen him before. I used to think he wasn't even real and you just made him up to make it seem like you weren't a kid just living on your own." John says.

"Holy shit dude." Dave replies, "Ok Whatever let's drop this. He wants me to pick him up from the airport. Says he has someone he'd like me to meet."

"Oh. Ok." John says, "I'm going to get some fresh air." He says, pushing himself off the couch and leaving the apartment.

Once out, he pulls out his phone to see a string of messages from Dirk.

**[Dirk3 + DefinitelyBi]**

**[Dirk3]: **Hey, did you want to meet me at the airport? I'm on my way down tomorrow. My not son is picking me up, you can meet him if you want.

**[Dirk3]: **Of course, don't feel pressured to do it. Would just be pretty fucking grand to see my hot new boy toy.

**[Dirk3]: **Maybe my not son's roommate will be there too, who knows. Never met him before.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Yeah, I'll be at the airport. I'll see you then. Looking so forward to seeing you.

**[Dirk3]: **Are you nervous? You're typing a little different.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Yep! Just nerves! Nothing more!

**[Dirk3]: **Hmm.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **:) ? ? ? ? ?

**[Dirk3]: **Anyway, see you tomorrow I guess.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Yep! I can't wait!

John sighs, slipping his phone back into his pocket. The door opens behind him and Dave steps out.

"Dude get back inside it's getting cold as fuck out here." Dave says.

John just nods and follows Dave back inside, heading straight to his room and whipping out his phone again.

**[Dirk3 + DefinitelyBi]**

**[DefinitelyBi]: **So how'd you manage to snag a last minute flight like that?

**[Dirk3]: **Connections. The way of life.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Oh. Cool, I don't have connections like that haha. You must be lucky.

**[Dirk3]: **Yeah.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Yeah.

**[Dirk3]: **Listen, something's bothering you. Spit it out, it has something to do with me. Did you figure out about all the puppet porn and shit and now it's freaking you out and you're all 'oh man I should have double checked all this info before I got into this relationship'.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Ah no it's not that, though I did figure that out just a few minutes ago although technically I've known for a while sort of?

**[Dirk3]: **The fuck? Ok then.

**[Dirk3]: **Then what's eating at you, man?

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Well. I don't know if I can just say it and not have this be awkward for both of us!

**[Dirk3]: **It's fine if you want to slow the relationship down and not want to see me straight away. I'll still come to Oregon though, because I would like to see my Not Son.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Again, it's not that either. Well I mean. It has to do with your Not Son.

**[Dirk3]: **Ah shit. Young college aged boy gets into relationship with older man who acts as a legal guardian for a youngin who is the same age. I guess I didn't think too much about it when I asked you out.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **It's not that but it is that at the same time.

**[Dirk3]: **Ok you're dodging the point and I am currently confused as fuck.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **I'm just going to spit it out.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **I know that Dave is your Not Son.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Which also means that you're Dirk Strider, and I dunno if you've figured it out or not and just didn't say anything but it wasn't until you told Dave that you were coming to Oregon and he shoved his phone in my face and whined about it that it clicked in my head and then I had a moment. Dave thought I was panicking over meeting you, which I was but also about the fact that apparently I've just started dating my best friends older brother-dad.

**[Dirk3]: **Holy shit.

**[Dirk3]: **Well. Ok Then.

**[Dirk3]: **No I didn't know, although I did think a few things were a bit coincidental. Such as your name being John, and having a roommate who lives in Texas but goes to college in Oregon. Now the fact that your roommate signed you up to platinum and no money was lodged confused the hell out of me, because only Dave can do that so I thought maybe the money just fucked off somewhere on the internet or something.

**[Dirk3]: **But honestly the biggest coincidence WAS your name. I mean Dave has what? 3 friends? Give or take, I guess. One of them is John, you, who I have literally not seen before because despite what Dave thinks, I do not snoop through his shit however I do like to move his folders around because it bugs the hell out of him. With all the other little coincidences, had your name been anything else I wouldn't have thought much of it.

**[Dirk3]: **If you want to stop our little thing going on, I won't mind too much because even though I think you're hot as fuck and kinda fucking adorable, we barely know each other and you might not be comfortable dating me now that we both know Dave is going to have to fit in somewhere here, because I know he's your best friend and you'll want to spend time with him, but then I'd like to spend time with you too and then Dave would feel left out having to share us. Or he'd feel kind of awkward at watching his best bro and his bro making out while he sits there silent waiting for us to finish so he can ask what pizza we want from Dominoes.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Dirk, I'm not going to dump you because Dave might get lonely or awkward, or both. I take it you figured out that Dave is dating someone now. Because I told you about my roommate asking someone out, and apparently that's your Not Son. He shouldn't be that lonely.

**[Dirk3]: **Oh shit you're right. Little shit never thought to mention he got a boyfriend. Oh man let me pester him about it right now, he's going to be so confused trying to figure out how the fuck I know about it. Assuming you haven't told him about us, of course?

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Nah, I haven't said anything. Don't have the guts. But yeah, badger him about it, that should be entertaining to watch.

**[Dirk3]: **I'm going to go do that. Bye sweetypoo pumpkin boo 3

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Thanks for making me want to die :)

**[Dirk3]: **If you die I'll have to avenge you by killing myself and then nobody ends up happy.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Just go badger Dave!

John gets up and leaves his room to go look for Dave, waiting to see how he reacts to Dirk's little message. He didn't even get to shut his door behind him before John can hear the telltale 'How the fuck?' emanate from the kitchen. He grins to himself and wanders over the the kitchen.

"What's up, I heard you yell?" John says, pretending to be absolutely clueless.

"Bro found out about Karkat! How the hell!" Dave grumbles, "Stupid gay ninja weeb."

"Wonder how he knew?" John says.

"Who the hell knows. He probably has some kind of monitoring device implanted on me, I wouldn't be surprised. I mean if he can build AI's and install them into lifelike robots, I'm sure he's figured out how to permanently monitor me." Dave mumbles, "Horrible, really. Nothing is sacred in the Strider household."

"Dirk builds robots?" John replies, "That's so cool."

Dave just stares at John for a good solid minute before John realizes what he's done and makes a beeline for his bedroom door, locking it behind him as he hears Dave sprint after him.

"How did you find out his name? I know I sure as hell never said it because he'd kill me where I stood." Dave says, he's standing outside John's door. "Answer me, Egbert."

While Dave doesn't sound particularly menacing, more a bit confused and maybe a tad mad, John replies, "Dave I swear I don't know."

"That's the dumbest lie you've ever told." Dave huffs, "Possibly worse than that time when we were 12 and you tried to convince me the Ghostbusters were real and trying to remove a ghost from your bedroom."

"If you're not going to tell me, then I'll have to try and unlock your phone and find out for myself." Dave says, "I know you've been non stop texting someone. I figured you finally got a girlfriend and didn't want my gay ass to know lest I tease you about it, but if you've been talking to my bro then who the fuck knows what you've been talking about. Puppet ass? Doubt it."

"You don't even have my phone so how can you unlock..." John trails off his sentence as he pats his pockets, "Oh shit." No phone.

"I know you changed your password. Now let's see... What you suspect me to never think of?" Dave says mockingly, the tapping of letters being typed can be heard and then the telltale click of a phone being unlocked. "Of course. Idiot. Bro's name would have been the last thing I suspected had it not been for your little slip."

"WAIT, DAVE!" John yells, pulling open his bedroom door as fast as he can, "Please stop for a second! I'll tell you about what we were talking about as long as you don't go through my messages, please? Please, Dave?" He begs.

Dave seems to pause, before sighing and locking the phone again, but he slips it into his own pocket instead. "Spill."

"Dirk messaged me about the Platinum subscription, asking if I meant to purchase it and if so why hadn't the money come through. Eventually we talked it out and I said how my roommate probably pranked me and he was all chill with it. I didn't actually check out what you subscribed me to or whatever so I didn't know it was your bro." John mumbles, sitting down on the floor because he felt so nauseated he didn't think he could stand any longer, "Eventually we just talked about dumb shit and he mentioned he was gay and had a 'not son' around my age. I mentioned something to him thanks to a part of our conversation, that I wish I had talked to you about but it was so new to me and I was worried you'd tease me about it and I wouldn't have been able to handle it then, and I'm having trouble now but I have to tell you. I owe it to you. I mentioned to your bro how I think I might.."

"You might...?" Dave urges John to continue.

"Might be Bi. I might. Like guys as well?" John mumbles, "He kind of helped me with that a bit. In a way."

Dave was quiet for a bit before he kneeled down in front of John and pulled him into a hug. "Dude, I know you. I wouldn't heave teased you about something like that while it was so new to you. Remember when I came out? I was a wreck, and you , though confused, were really trying to be supportive. Why wouldn't I do that for you?"

"I'm sorry it's just. The nerves were getting to me, and I got all worried." John whispers, "I should have told you."

"It's ok if you didn't feel like telling me yet, everyone comes out at a different pace and in different ways." Dave mumbles.

"But you're my best friend, Dave!" John whines, "I wish I had told you earlier."

Dave pulls John tighter against him, "It's ok dude. Anyway, how did Bro help you realize? Did you ask him how he knew he was gay or...?"

At this John blushes red, "Well... he kind of. We got into a bit of a banter and we were talking about Ghostbusters and Nic Cage and he asked if I had a crush on Cage to which obviously I said I was straight and he was all 'are you sure about that? maybe my hot bod can change you' or something. I was kind of like Nah Dude Im Into The Boobies, Sir. But I also kind of added a 'besides you livestream for living you probably have a shit body'. " John takes a moment to breathe, "So of course he had to try and show off so..."

Dave's breath hitches a tad but he hides it well enough, "So my Bro sent you a Hot Strider Selfie and you had an Oh No He's Hot moment followed by the terrifying realization that dick tingled?"

"Urgh, when you say it like that it sounds horrible but, "John somehow goes redder, "That is pretty much what happened."

"So you got the hots for my Bro and then what?" Dave says.

"Well. Stuff happened. We talked a lot. Had no idea that we were even connected at all, meaning I had no idea he was your bro and he had no idea that my roommate was you." John says, "Long story he asked me out today and I said yeah. Then he said he'd ask if he could stay with his Not Son so he could visit me as well. That was my whole Oh Shit moment before. That's when I realized that he was your Bro and things were about to get all kinds of Awkward here."

"While I am absolutely shocked at the prospect that my best friend is dating my brother, I am also kind of happy for you both? In a weird brotherly way? Because if you two get married you'll be my step bro since he's not actually my dad or anything. I think I could live with that." Dave says, and John lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Besides, with Bro coming down to stay and probably fuck your virgin brains out, he can fix the door before Cronus finds out and kills us for property damage."

John lets out a laugh, "Yeah, I'd rather not die when I just scored myself a hot Strider boyfriend. Speaking of, we should probably get some sleep. Gotta pick Dirk up tomorrow."

"Yeah that's a great idea, I'm fucking tired as all hell. Been one hell of a feelings and revealings jam up in here." Dave grins, standing up and holding out a hand to help John up.

Just as John's about to go back into his room he quickly says, "Hey, Dave? Thanks for being so chill about the whole thing. Really helped me calm down."

Dave smirks, "Yeah. I can't go losing my best friend over who he fucks."

John smiles and shuts his door behind him.

**End**

**Holy shit lads that was some fun stuff to write. Maybe not as awkward and embarrassing as I was hoping to write, but hey. More! Supportive! Dave! Please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**So I apologize for how late this update is, but so much has happened. First, I had to finish my course because it was taking up a lot of my writing time. Then around December last year my house lost internet and we haven't got it back yet, and Telstra estimates we won't have it back until roughly September-December this year. So that makes uploading hard. Right now I'm at a friend's place though so I'm using his internet haha. **

**Anyway, as you can tell, I know literally nothing about America as I am not American and have never been there. I also wasn't able to google anything because I had no internet but whatever. Enjoy.**

**Start**

A pounding on John's door wakes him from one of the deepest sleeps he's had in ages. "Egbert get up! 2 Hours until Bro's plane arrives." Dave yells.

"Two hours? That's ages awa-" John cuts himself short as he remembers it takes over two hours to get to the airport, "Oh fuck!" He shouts, jumping out of bed and grabbing his jacket and wallet.

"Shit Egbert, where's your clothes?" Dave laughs as John rips the door open, "Going in your Pj's?"

"No time to get dressed dude! Let's go!" John says, hurrying past Dave and out of their apartment to jump in the car.

Dave shrugs and follows John out the door.

It's not until they're halfway to the airport that John lets out a big sigh and groans. "I should have got changed."

"Too late now. It's your own fault." Dave says, "But seriously man, should have at least grabbed a pair of pants. You managed a jacket, but now it just looks dumb with your shitty boxers."

"Urgh, shut up. I'm regretting this enough." John scowls, trying not to turn to glare at Dave in case he swerves off the road. "Just going to have to grin and bare it."

"What is this situation doing to your pranksters gambit?" Dave asks.

"I have no idea. Can't tell if this is a prank or if I'm just publicly humiliating myself for no good reason." John shrugs, "Maybe if I pass it off as a prank it will be less humiliating."

"I doubt it but I'd love to see you try." Dave snickers.

John's phone beeps and Dave goes to pick it up since John's driving. "Bro's at the airport. Asking where we are."

"Tell him I slept in and made us late." John says. "And that we are on the way!"

**[Dirk3 + DefinitelyBi]: **

**[Dirk3]: **Hey I'm at the the Plane Station, where are you guys? Thought you'd both have massive neon signs or something.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **John slept in like a fool and made us late. -Dave

**[Dirk3]: **Oh, so you know about the whole John and I thing.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Yup. Had a whole feelings jam and everything -Dave.

**[Dirk3]: **Toight.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Don't you Peralta me you heathen, that means you've been watching it without me. -Dave

**[Dirk3]: **I'm not waiting fucking years for you to come home just to watch B99. Get fucked. Where are you guys?

**[DefinitelyBi]: **We've got about a half hour to go before we even get to the airport. -Dave

**[Dirk3]: **Urgh. Nevermind I'll catch a cab to you, pull over somewhere and give me the address.

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Oh. John will be pleased. -Dave

**[Dirk3]: **Why?

**[DefinitelyBi]: **No reason, I guess. -Dave

**[DefinitelyBi]: **Ok I've told him to pull into the KFC just ahead, it's the one along the route we once took to get to one of your anime cons. -Dave

**[Dirk3]: **Oh yeah I know the one. Cool. See you halfway.

"Do you think we have time to go to Walmart?" John asks, nervously fidgeting in his seat in one of the booths at KFC. "I mean, it's just across the road, maybe we could make it."

"Nah man, he'll be here any second." Dave says. "I'm sure he won't mind you being in your pajamas."

"I don't think I'm making a great first impression." John mumbles.

"Pretty sure his first impression of you was 'holy shit someones paying me 300'000 for Puppet Porn'." Dave snickers, watching John go red.

"Yeah that was your fault though. I mean first face to face impression!" John huffs, leaning his head down onto the table. "I'm so embarrassed and he's not even here yet."

"Yeah I am." Another voice picks up from next to John, Dave bursting into uncontrollable guffaws. "So what are you embarrassed about?"

"DIRK." John squeaks, blushing completely. "How long have you been standing there?"

Dirk grins and slides into the seat next to John, "Enough to see you throw your head onto the table and whine about being embarrassed like some 18th Century Madame mortified beyond words at her catching Monsieur De Lioncourt flirting with the personal maid. Oh woe be her, her husband with 15 mistresses has taken it up with the maid! Again!"

Before John can retaliate Dave pipes up, "John's in his pajamas."

Dirk pauses for a bit, "Why...?" He asks slowly.

"Slept in. Rushed out the door and didn't think about the consequences of not being dressed." John mumbles.

"He's been begging me for the past 15 minutes to go over to Walmart and grab some pants." Dave says.

"Yeah, to which every single time you're like 'no! He'll be here any second!' and I'm starting think you were deliberately doing that." John huffs.

"Don't worry John, I like you with no pants." Dirk says, face completely straight.

"Jeez, Bro, I'm right here. Do that shit in the bathroom or something, the employees won't mind." Dave says.

"That's rude, David. Of course they'll mind. Why don't you go to the bathroom, huh? Stay in there and talk to yourself. Or better yet, that boyfriend of yours." Dirk replies.

"Urgh. Fine. You get 10 minutes of alone mooshy time before I get sick of the smell of shit and come out to eat some salty fucking chips." Dave gets up and starts wandering towards to the bathroom before abruptly stopping and turning back, "Actually fuck you, I'm waiting outside instead. Should have been the first option."

Dirk grins and turns back to John. "So..."

"So..." John replies meekly.

"Boyfriends." Dirk says.

"Yeah." John says, "We're that."

Silence fell for a few seconds before Dirk awkwardly shuffled over to sit even closer to John.

"Fuck, dude. We're adults, this shouldn't be so awkward." Dirk huffs.

"Maybe it's because of Dave." John says.

"Maybe." Dirk shrugs, "Could be because you're so new the whole boyfriend thing. My Be Careful meter is dinging I guess. Don't want to scare you off or make you uncomfortable."

"Oh. Uh, don't worry about that. I mean, "John sighs a little, "Maybe if we could go slow that would be kinda nice, but not so slow there's like, nothing there or anything if that makes sense?"

"Oh yeah I get it." Dirk nods in understanding, "Basically we can kiss 'n hug and mooshy shit but no hopping on that Strider dick asap?"

"Pretty much... " John says, not entirely sure how to reply to that, but figures he'd better start getting used to this because that's going to be his life for the foreseeable future.

"Fuck dude, I really want to hug the shit out of you." Dirk mumbles.

"Go for it." John grins, their awkwardness dissolving.

Dirk smirks lightly and pretty much flings himself towards John, bowling the both of them over onto the seat, "Not letting you go now."

"Am I stuck like this forever?" John says, "Not that I'm complaining."

"Yep. We're not leaving this filthy KFC booth seat, not even when the employees are trying to shut the place down and they're beating us with brooms, yelling at us." Dirk replies, "They'll be gathered around us, each taking turns whacking us like pinatas, maybe hoping to accomplish something, but my hand will give your plush rump a gentle squeeze and they'll be blown back by how mighty a power-move that was, and then they'll have no choice but to forfeit and leave us be."

"Dave will probably be crying outside, begging to go home, like a lost child." John laughs.

"He'd try and play it cool for the first few hours but once it hits closing time, he starts panicking. Oh boy, he thinks, another well played Strider scenario is about to go down in this KFC. He thinks maybe he can get away with pretending to not be related to me, but it's too late. The blond hair and glasses gives it away. The employees are begging him to extract us from the restaurant like a bomb and a bomb squad." Dirk replies.

"Then he'll-" John gets cut off as Dave's voice pipes up.

"10 Minutes is up, I'm coming in for my salty chips and I swear to all things Deep Fried if any of what I just overheard happens I will commit seppuku and you will regret everything." Dave says, "I'll fucking do it, I swear."

"Chill Dave, we're having bromosexual time here." Dirk growls, giving John a tighter squeeze.

"As I can see, however salt waits for no man and we must be out of here in the hour at least." Dave says, but it sounds more like he's begging at this point.

"Maybe I don't want to leave so soon." Dirk says.

"If we have another Coup de Strider situation I will call the police." Dave growls.

"Fine, whatever. Not my fault it played out like that." Dirk grumbles.

"Wait what's the Coup de Strider situation?" John asks quickly.

"Egbert my dude, you do not want to know. Some things are best left in the past." Dave says, his voice clearly giving away that he absolutely does want to speak about it.

John decides it's better to not hear the truth from him for the sake of what little is left of his sanity. "Alright then. Hey Dirk maybe we should order something, I mean I'm kind of starving and I suppose you are too."

"I could eat a horses ass right now, I'm so hungry." Dirk grins, eagerly rubbing his hands together as he gets up to go order.

"That doesn't sound right but I can't place it." John says, also getting up from the table. "I'll go with you, I need a drink."

"Oh, great. Leave me here then. Abandon me." Dave throws his arms up in the air, being all melodramatic.

"Oh my God you're not going to die, shut up." John says, "Did you want anything, though?"

"Other than the sweet release of death? No." Dave sighs a huge long sigh, "But maybe a coke. I think I might actually be all salted out, anyway."

"C'mon John, let's ditch the child." Dirk says, and he grabs John's hand and pulls him towards the counter to order.

"Wha-! I'm the same age as him you bitch." Dave throws an empty cup at the back of Dirk's head as he walks away. John picks it up and dumps it in a bin as he walks past.

They get to the counter and wait in line, "Dave sounds like he might be getting mad at us." John worries.

"He'll get over it, he needs to adjust." Dirk mumbles, "He hasn't had to deal with me having a boyfriend in..."

"In?" John asks, "A while, I'm guessing?"

"A while. It didn't end well." Dirk shrugs, "I mean, we're friends again, have been for a few years now, but at the time it was really messy."

"So Dave's probably worried then?" John says, he glances back to Dave who has his phone out and texting someone. Probably Karkat. "I hope he knows that I'll always be his friend."

"He's an adult now, heck, I don't know why he still lives with me, it's not like he enjoys it- and I could use his room for my videos instead of the living room." Dirk says, he walks up to the counter and puts in everyone's orders. "He'll be ok." He says to John after he finishes the order.

They stand to the side and wait for their order to be called. Dirk pulls John closer to him and loosely slings his arms around John's waist. John grips Dirk's hips and says, "He's probably just secretly missing you and is getting all jealous that you're hogging me."

"Pfft, doubt it."Dirk snorts, "He hates my guts."

"Nah, I don't think so." John says. "He just hides everything behind ironicness and memes."

"Yeah..." Dirk nods vaguely but he isn't sure how to respond, knowing it's probably because of him that Dave is like that. "So, he got a boyfriend, huh? Give me the juicy details that I require or I may literally die."

John rolls his eyes, "His name is Karkat and they're in the same class. I've never met the guy though, so I can't give you much."

"Karkat? What shit ass kind of name is that?" Dirk raises an eyebrow. "That poor bastard."

"Eh, I can't say anything. I don't know him." John says, "And you can't say anything either, you do puppet porn."

"Mmm, that I do..." Dirk says, he grips John's asscheek.

"Oi!" John squeaks, slapping Dirk's side repeatedly until he let go. "People are watching!"

"I wonder if any of them know me?" Dirk says, looking around the room slowly, trying desperately to make creepy eye contact with everyone in the room.

"Dirk, knock it off." John laughs quietly. Just then their order gets called and they break apart to go collect it and bring it back to the table where Dave sits with his face buried in his phone.

Dave looks up as they sit back down. "Oh, the lovesick nerds have returned from mooshyland."

"Why do you make everything sound horrible?" John groans and takes a sip of his own drink while handing Dave his.

"I am reacting accordingly in regards to my situation." Dave sips his drink. "Well, probably not but I'm powering through it."

"You'll have to get used to us because I can and will talk about John's ass all day." Dirk says, as John goes red.

"Dude, not in front of Dave." John mumbles.

"Wow." Dave blanches, "I am literally feeling like the Tony Stark to your Spideypool thing happening."

"David Elizabeth Strider, are you calling me Deadpool?" Dirk acts shocked, a hand over his mouth in mock aghast.

"Yeah, if he did puppet porn fetish stuff instead of hits." Dave scowls.

"Oh, well." Dirk smirks, "Thanks for the compliment."

"That wasn't a- you know, never mind." Dave takes an obnoxiously loud sip from his drink, "I'm done talking. I'll go wait in the car."

"That's right, go sext your boytoy lil' man and I'll stay here and hang with this young college aged twink!" Dirk yells loud enough that people look over. John doesn't think he's ever seen Dave run so fast from a shop before, and he doesn't think either of them have been so red in the face before either.

"Dirk Strider I may just literally kill you." John growls under his breath, "You'll get us kicked out and Dave's going to drive off without us."

"It's fine, now I get to chat with you." Dirk smirks. "So... other than Love Nikki, any other mobile games you play?"

"Just casual ones. You know, like Sudoku, Neko Atsume, Mirror- though, the PC version for Mirror is far superior in every way and you can even mod it to be uncensored so that's a huge bonus. Then less casual stuff, like Pokemon Go and Summoners War." John says.

"I have most of those, and wow. Mirror. Really? I honestly didn't peg you as someone who would be into that." Dirk says, and he looks genuinely shocked.

John goes red. "I didn't think you'd know it."

"Of course I do." Dirk grins, "But more importantly, Summoners War? My good bitch that is the best game. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I've spent on packs, and my God, when the packs with the transcendence scrolls come around? You can bet your ass I'm buying. Who in their right mind could give up a guaranteed nat 5 like that?"

"Shit dude I know right! With the Summonversary with all the mystical scrolls and then the pack with the transcendence scroll and the blessings buff? I had a goddamn ball! With the transcendence scroll and the blessing I got forced to choose between the wind Panda and water Beast Rider. Argh! Chose Beast Rider, which turned into a mistake later. Anyway, since the blessing was good for two nat 5's, I ended up summoning a nat 5 with the mystical scrolls and had to choose between yet another wind Panda and then the water Fairy King." John says.

"Who did you choose?" Dirk asks.

"Fairy King, of course. I really wanted that one. I was hoping for an Archangel at some point but my luck ain't that good." John sighs, "But since I was out of blessings, next time I got the nat 5 I couldn't choose. Ended up with another water Beast Rider. I don't have the heart to use her as a skill up for the first."

"Yeah it hurts when you get a dupe nat 5. I'd almost go as far as to say I prefer the fake nat 5's to the dupes. Less disheartening in my opinion." Dirk says, "Who's your rep monster? Mine's Charlotte."

"I almost expected you to say Diana. Which is mine, by the way." John says. "Dave once mention you liked MLP."

"After how you mention the game Mirror, I almost expected you to have Charlotte yourself, if you even have her. Doubtful, she's very wanted." Dirk smirks. "But I'd kill to get Diana."

"Jokes on you, I have Charlotte too." John grins. "What your url? I'll add you later."

"Mine's complicated to type out, give me yours and I'll add you instead." Dirk says.

"Uh, well... don't judge this name too hard but it's johnnyeggboy." John mumbles.

At this point Dave comes back in and marches over to the table. "Ok, I tried to be nice- but I am in college and need to unfortunately actually do my assignments and shit so can we please go?" He begs.

"Oh yeah, sorry." John mumbles, "Completely forgot you're still in school."

"Urgh! GOD." Dave groans, "It's like you're the new step-mom or something."

"This is my new waifu, Dave." Dirk says, "Treat my bitch with respect."

John glares at Dirk, "Nobody is anybodies bitches."

"Ooh, I like that." Dirk says, "Maybe I'll get that tattooed on my wrist in elegant loopy handwriting."

"Literally just never open either of your mouths again." Dave deadpans. He grabs Dirk by the collar of his shirt and pulls him up into a standing position. Or he tries, anyway- Dirk just smirks and stands himself knowing full well Dave wasn't strong enough to lift him.

As they shuffle their way out the door finally and make their way towards the car a voice is heard over the squabbling and bickering between the three.

"Hey, Dave!"

**End**

**We've reached the end. I'm working on the next chapter now, but I can't promise when it will be out.**


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